Shattered Stars' Journal|
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|Sunday, December 5th, 2004|
i wish i could tell my boyfriend that im bulimic. that im borderline anorexic. That i have really low self esteem... I think he knows that i have a lack of self esteem but i dont think he knows its so bad. I dont think he knows why i look in the mirror every chance i get just so i have another chance to tell my self how ugly and fat i am.
I've got something to be proud of. i went from weighing 190 to weighing 135. from a size 12 pants to a size 6/7 sometimes 4/5. but i still dont feel right. I dont feel pretty. i dont feel good enough. its a horrable feeling.
|Thursday, March 11th, 2004|
Alone and Tired
I am depressed. At least that's what they tell me. Complain of being a little tired and they slap you with a depression diagnosis. Go ahead send me to a psychologist, as if it will make me get any more sleep. I'll tell you what needs to happen to have me not be tired, I need half as much work to do and twice as much time to do it.
*sigh* Perhaps I should drop the no caffeine thing...
ps I'm new here... Current Mood: exhausted
|Sunday, November 16th, 2003|
So last night I had a HUGE argument with Jeff. Possibly our first real fight.
He SAYS that he's being supportive of me dating Zac, since it's something that I definitely need to do if I'm going to even consider getting married to Jeff. If I don't do it, my whole life will be spent looking at Zac and thinking of "what if..." and so you'd think that Jeff would get off my back and be the kind loving and supportive guy he's always been, but NO. He has to go on and on about how I love Zac and go to see Zac so much and don't talk to him enough and don't call him all the time while I'm in Dayton and just blahblahblah while ZAC is totally supportive when I talk to him about Jeff-stuff.
Why did things go to hell with Jeff anyways? Why didn't things just stay perfect and maybe then I wouldn't have wondered... What if.
Why do I end up in the middle of fairy tales just to discover that they're to worst places to be. Current Mood: listless
|Friday, November 14th, 2003|
As I was putting on mascara and lipstick for my gynecologist appointment
it felt like I was getting ready for some big date, I realized I need to get out more.
Proof that "pretty" people are stupid..
SeXandAGGRESSiON: i can see youre world renound for your conversational skills.
X Jack Marin X: what
my newest spontaneous life plan is to exercise vigorously with yoga, drop 20 pounds, become a stripper. as far as plans go, it is only slightly more practical than my previous Life Plan, to find a winning lotto ticket in the street and live off the riches.
What exactly is a slut?
Is a slut defined as someone who sleeps around alot..or is a slut just out looking for love in all the wrong places? In my opinion, slutty is good.
there is nothing like a girl so slutty the boys don't know what to do with themselves. As far as im concerned, the sluttier, the better. There is no such thing as bad slutty.
But where does one draw the line between whore and slutty? does one have more sex than the other..
i completely made a fool of myself in front of ryan at practice today..oh wait, thats everyday. 'sadly, i have neither a time machine or my superhero power of choice, memory control and manipulation.
Memory-Gal (my superhero name) doesn't need a time machine, because she can change everyone's recollection of events to suit her fancy. Ah, Memory-Gal. Why can't I be you?
'Jebus Christmascake. Is this any way for a 17 yr old girl to act? Fantasizing about really stupid and self-serving superhero powers? I suck.
i need to do something wonderful and wildly productive today. i need to build a monument in my back yard or borrow a ladder and clean my skylight.. or at least get dressed and clean my room. i need to make amends. First ill make amends to the gods of Acting My Age and then ill make amends to the gods of Getting Off My Fat Ass and Doing Something for a Change.' Current Mood: amused
All I really ahve to say is
a.) People are stupid
b.) Especially boys :b
c.) I'm just going to stay here in Dayton, now, cause I dont want to go home to those bitches. Current Mood: bitchy
|Thursday, November 6th, 2003|
Have you ever just wanted to give up on everything and scream FUCK YOU?
That's where I'm at right about now. Current Mood: crappy
|Wednesday, November 5th, 2003|
So I'm not pissed, but I have to rant
OK, so I'm dating 2 guys now. One of them is still Silver -- my boyfriend of 1.5 yr -- the other is this kid (by this I mean he's still in High School, which I have not been in for going on 3 years now) who has been my best friend for the past 3.5 yr. This is totally crazy and fucking me up, because I know that eventually I'm going to have to hurt someone that I love, but I'm totally trying NOT to think about that because the combination of the 2 of them is making for a very happy me. Silver is the responsible one, calm and organized and so normal it hurts. Zacy is impulsive, passionate, bi-polar and laid back (read: lazy and apathetic?). I don't know -- I need this balance in my life, and I hope that this wont end horribly.
I'd go on and on and on about this some more, but I have to go move a desk for a friend.
btw Willow -- love for you! Current Mood: confused
|Saturday, September 13th, 2003|
WHAT THE FUCK!?!
So this manager threatens to cut my hours because I disagreed with him. I disagreed with the stupid ass WRONGness of what he was saying, and he THREATENED me. Then made me cry. Twice. I think I have to cooks hating him, though, cause they asked me what was wrong and I was so upset I could only utter one thing... His name. The cook who was nearest me gave me a very serious look and nodded his head. Later he gave me another look that, despite what a nice person I am (haha), I hope means that he's going to knife Paul in the parking lot tonight. Someone needs to beat the shit out of him, and I cant do it. I wish I could. I think there are just some people who would benefit from a good hard ass beating -- maybe after you're bleeding from the side of your head, you'll realize that life is more important than being an ass hole, and that you should be nice to people -- oh, and that you are not a god, cause otherwise your ass wouldn't be getting beat. Yeah, that fucker has it coming... Current Mood: pissed off
|Thursday, August 7th, 2003|
Not the physical stuff, but emotionally I'm a mess again.
Chris, the manager who pisses me the fuck off is continuing to do so -- but yesterday at the "meeting" the GM was supposed to tell the other managers to get the fuck off my back, so hopefully they get it.
Some of them don't believe I have a mental problem, some of them think that IF I really do, that makes me a freak, and others just don't really understand why it would affect me at work.
Hello, I'm a waitress -- how CANT that stress me out and piss me off?
Still fighting with my lover about our RP games, still no really hanging out with anyone at all, since everyone seems to annoy me -- except for Zac, I'm going to see him tomarrow and spending the night. It will be good for me. I can talk to K-Mom about all this.
I love having a parent that I can talk to and be honest with and then honestly relate to.
My real parents suck for that.
They think everything is great right now -- cause when they call since I cant talk about mental problems or anything, I end up just saying "Yeah, things are fine -- work is fine, cat is fine, etc..."
But really, it's not fine.
Nothing is ever fine.
|Friday, June 13th, 2003|
So my old "friends" have moved into my apartment -- which means that I'm pretty much actively avoiding it now. I heard their voices as they were coming "home" last night and it just made me want to get out of bed and cleave one of them over the head with a lamp.
Jeff says that they're moving my stuff around so that they can set up theirs. I need to go over and be the worlds biggest bitch to them today and tell them to leave my stuff the fuck alone until I move out in a whole not-quite-week. They can fucking wait to do their stuff until the apartment is all theirs for 2 months. I don't want to live with them, I just don't want to pay full rent while my real roommate is gone. So I got stuck. I wish that Eric had found someone else to sublease -- these people are control freaks and obsessed with having everything planned out explicitly and to their specifications. I feel like going "shut the fuck up and relax"
GrahhH! Current Mood: bitchy
|Wednesday, June 4th, 2003|
*Comes to hide here with IrishWillow*
So... Not only am I fucking whore, I also cut myself again. Go me for relapse and failures. Current Mood: angry
|Thursday, May 15th, 2003|
WHY do I let these things get to me?
So there's this really fucking well done and romantic and sexy sex scene in the new Matrix movie, and it makes me feel like my boyfriend isn't ... What he could be, I guess. I want romance and surprise and excitement and passion, and I get dirty dishes, extra laundry and a back turned towards me in bed. I get someone who tries to hard to be what he thinks I want which ends up being further from the truth than if he didn't try at all.
I had the stupid notion that it'd be fun to watch a porn with him -- he bought one and now neither of us wants to watch it.
I'm only really interested in our lovemaking anymore because I like seeing him happy.
|Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003|
Gahhhhh Let Go!
Ok so yeah dude brain let her the fuck go. You cant have her. Leave her alone. She has another life, that dosent include you. You asked her and she said that it needed to stop. Don't beat yourself up like this. Just let her go please. This is killing me. I know what I need to do. I need to stop loving her leave my feelings for her in the past. Thats all we can ever be is just a memorie.
What the fuck what the fuck. why does love have to hurt this much. How did i ever get myself into this. You knew you could never have her the way you wanted her yet you let yourself fall for something that you knew would hurt you. I deserve this pain. I have been a shitty friend. I have been a shitty person. I went against all i belive in. I went agaisnt all i ever said i would never do.
Fuck it dude. Im so blah fuck it all to hell. why cant i ju8st ahve lots of drugs that would be great Current Mood: crappy
|Sunday, April 20th, 2003|
i was always taught to tell others how i was feeling because that's the only way to make it better....well that's bullshit. it only makes you vunerable.
i'm tired of being vuneralbe. i'm tired of crying and i'm tired of life in general. so fuck it. i'm not going to put my heart out on the table and have it smashed into itty bitty pieces anymore.
i'm sorry i wrote you that email. infact..i'm sorry i ever gave my heart to you. i don't want to give my heart away to anyone again. because when i give my all to someone i always end up getting jipped so fuck it.
i don't want anything to do with you anymore. i don't want to love you i don't want to speak to you i don't want your simpathy. and i don't
want to be your friend. Current Mood: cynical
|Tuesday, April 15th, 2003|
Dear best friend
We have been best friends for 2 years or so..... you drive me up the wall sometimes... i love ya to death but take responsability for things u fuck up. im so tired of cleaning up your fucking messes. Grow up. I swear if you wernt my best friend i could slapp u righjt in your face. Your an immmature child. God u make me so mad
|Thursday, April 10th, 2003|
OK -- WHAT THE FUCK?
First, there's my former best friend who shows up at my place and starts kicking my stuff around just cause she's in a bad mood and when I tell her to cut it the fuck out, she says "fuck you" -- FUCK ME? Who's senselessly kicking who's stuff around? Get the fuck out of my house! But I didn't say that -- I just sat there and ignored her. Cause I'm lame like that.
Then there's my new best guy friend who apparently -- and I'm not assuming, he told me -- wants to have sex with me. This sucks. This seems to ruin most of my relationships with guys. And I'm dating the only success story of the group anyways, so I'm not even going to THINK about this.
|Monday, March 10th, 2003|
why does life have to be so complicated?
why are there so many hard choices to make?
why can't i just leave everything behind and never look back? Current Mood: thoughtful
|Thursday, February 13th, 2003|
I'm tired of this Junior High Bullshit on the floor ... like seriously!!! Banging on eachothers doors and screaming at the top of their lungs ... WHAT THE FUCK?!!
They can all kiss my ass ... yes the one I don't have ... the one I wish I had so they could ... fucking bitches. *slams a door*
I'm tired of all this bullshit ... love is bullshit ... grrr
|Wednesday, February 12th, 2003|
Why is it that my boyfriend doesn't understand a damned thing about me? Oh, he seems to -- it's that uncanny mind-reading ability he has, but the moment that I feel depressed or have an opinion he doesn't, he sits there whining "I don't understand, I don't understand, Explain it to me, I don't understand" -- I DONT WANT TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU! I SHOUDLNT HAVE TO!
I don't really want to go to class today. It's not really my class, I just have permission to sit in it. I'm not getting a grade, I don't participate, I just sit there BORED. My boyfriend is in the class. We're doing a project together. Together = I thought of the idea and it's MY IDEA and he's going to get the grade and all the credit. Which wouldn't suck so much if it weren't an ART CLASS. I'M THE ARTIST, HE'S THE GEEKY PROGRAMMER, AND HE'S GONNA GET CREDIT FOR MY IDEA!
And he was so ... Something... that I felt overwhelmed with guilt and now I have to go to the stupid class. And listen to him get credit for my idea. MY IDEA! *CryCry*
Maybe I should just step off and let him do his little vibrator idea. Current Mood: aggravated